Monday, October 20, 2008
Chasing Down the Non-Custodial Parent,Financially and Time Spent With the Child
When I say chasing down the custodial parent, I don't mean literally running them over with a car. ( in some instances, that what you may feel like doing !!) I am referring to parents who have custody of their child/children that have to get the legal system to chase the non-custodial parent down just to take care of a their child/children.
I have had first hand experiecence with this chasing the non-custodial parent down for fifteen years. Suprisingly, I have been to family court with my daughter's father eleven time; each time leads to a dead end. I have often asked myself, "Who's side is the court system really on?" I have come to the conclusion that some of these parents are stuck in the adolescent stage; they still need to be nurtured. Money is not the only issue, the quality of time that is being spent is an even bigger issue. I think that some chldren value spending time with both parents, but that is not always the case.When the other parent has to make the non-custodial parent spend time with a child, that is a problem within itself or when the other parent gives the child false hope, I can fill up a shoe box full of false hope promises my daughter's father has promised her, only leaving behind a mess for me to clean up. I don't think that some parents realize how these unaccepting practices leave open wounds on a child that leave permanet scars; some of these children develop trust issues later on. The only thing I have to say is be careful what you do and say to children, they mimic our every action. Children are a blessing and should be treated as such.
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4 comments:
I have worked in the child support unit at DHR for almost 20 years. I have learned that unfortunately there are lots of non-custodial parents out there who will never take financial responsibilty for their children nor are they concerned about having a realtionship with them. One of the most common threads I see in these people is that they are completly self-involved. Everything revolves around them, nothing nor noone else matters. I have wished many times that I had kept some sort of log on some of these folks so I could see exactly what the pattern is for those who have no sense of reponsibilty for their own children. In your case does your child's father have a family member that enables them? I see this pattern appear often. There is usually a mother, father, sister, brother, aunt, uncle or any family member that always bails them out. I always encourage the custodial parents and the non-custodial parents to work together for the benefit of the child. To set aside all your difference and do what is in the child's best interest. Sometimes the history is just so bad they just can't do it. Sadly enough it is the child that will ultimately suffer, no one else. I will never forget what a custodial parent had said at a contempt hearing. She looked at me and said I want him to pay but what about his visitation. Since I knew her ex had a severe drug problem I assumed she was worried the courts would make the child visit if he was paying child support. I was reassuring her that if the father's environment was not suitable for a child the judge would not force visitation. To my surprise, she looked at me and said that is not what I mean, I need a break and he is going to have to start coming to get this kid. Of course, I had to explain to her DHR did not get involved in visitation issues but I also explained that if he did not want to visit with the child no one could force him. This child is now 19 and is managing. He got into a lot of trouble as a juvenile. In and out of detention but he joined the National Guard after graduating and I think he is doing alright. I could talk about this issue forever so I am going to close by just saying that people do the best they can, it may or may not be enough but sometimes it is just all they know and if they are not willing to ask for help or make a change there is nothing you can do.
Unfortunately Diane, My daugther's did have enabler, his mother; she passed away almost eight years ago. In my case, I think my daughter's father is an enabler of himself.I think he has some issues that he needs to resolve and seek help.I pray for him and wish him well.This man has had fifty-two jobs in the past 12 years; that is a problem within itself.
in my respons diane, i meant my daughter's father an enable, his mother.
I think parents think of children as personal pssessions they can just throw away when they get tired of them or they aren't behaving properly. My sons' biological father has nothing to do with him, and it's sad because my son hates him. That is so damaging to a child, to know you're not wanted by a parent.
I also have issues with my 2 step children in this case as well...there mother told the oldest one if he wasn't going to behave like she wanted he wouldn't have a choice where to live next school year, and that he'd have to go live with his father. This sends children the messages that it is punishment to go live with their father, that they can be tossed back and forth at a whim, and particularly in our case, that one child is 'bad' and the other is 'good'(the incident was a fight that escalated to the point of hitting each other), those labels just reinforce that kind of behavior.
Great blog!
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